|
I Tried to Change and Fooled Us All |
|
 It is possible to change and move to a new environment of operation if there is not a true transformation in ones mind set? Often we attempt to change by stoping/starting an action or behavior. The elimination or the addition of an action does not necessitate a change of the heart. All actions are eventually influenced by the real way one thinks. To unilaterally change, only, the behavior creates a environment where the attitude of the individual will inevitably erode the effects of the altered behavior.
Actions are external manifestation of internal attitudes. To attempt a transformation from the outside, only, is an effort in frustration for all parties involved. It will ultimately create and environment of frustration, animosity and disappointment. There is an internal conflict and frustration for the one attempting the change because they are operating against an internal, mental desire to do the opposite. It can create a false sense of success that seems possible, only, as long as the other party does not realize there was not a complete transformation. To operate contrary to what one really believes create progressive internal conflict that can be beyond expression and eats away at ones psyche. The truth of ones belief will always Express itself through the attitude and, ultimately, the actions of the individual.
On the part of the individual seeking to change, animosity is a probable emotion as well. They might think that, “I am making these personal, unnecessary alterations to please you, and I really see no mental bases for the change in actions/behavior or change in attitude.” Actions are publicly visible and attitudes are privately invisible.
The result of superficial change can be just as challenging for the person who is suppose to receive the benefit of the transformation. At the outset all seems well with everyone involved but there will be an ever present thread of uncertainty. The challenge is, the receiving party will be uncertain as to what the emotional uneasiness is and the origin of the emotion. The excitement and expectation of the change will mask the feelings of uneasiness experienced by both parties for a time. The truth of the situation could take years to manifest into what could be describe as a noticeable unavoidable conflict.
Once things, i.e. attitudes, emotions and realizations progress beyond what is tolerable; the relationship will begin to suffer.
The person who was suppose to see the benefit of the transformation, now feels placated, tricked, mislead, even lied to. The question of honest, committed emotional trust is pondered and in mental jeopardy. They may think that there was never any real intent or insensitive for change. The efforts to change may be seen as a clever maneuver to appease a spouse or loved one.
The person who is seeking to change may feel a lack of belief of the part of the spouse, loved one or friend. Their emotions seem to confirm that there is a lack of trust and that all of their hard work was for nothing. They can feel misunderstood and manipulated. Wondering, “If things were this bad why did you not say something earlier instead of allowing this charade to continue.” The, “I tried” mentality can be very dangerous. It can create a defeatist, self perpetuating, disruptive mood that will further undermine the relationship. Change in action is good but it can not be viewed as the benchmark of success. It has the potential to cover, hide and deceive all parties involved because change is easily seen.. One judges change by memory and understanding. Actions are compared to our memory of prior actions or to our present understanding. This is why change alone can be difficult to achieve and maintain. Change, then, is not the substance of difference. It is a major ingredient of transformation.
Transformation has to be the goal because it creates a real difference in who we are. Not that we are going to forget the behavior that we have transformed from but the essence of who we have become is not longer totally compatible with who we use to be. When one transforms they are not the same. The difference is manifested in your person and not superficially on your actions.
The person we may know the least, is ourselves. We think we understand all of the influences that make us who we are, but the odds are, we do not. You have to seek to know yourself in a way that will be uncomfortable. The mirror of our existence cast reflections that can be painful and almost impossible to admit or deal with. Understanding that reflection is the second step in making the transformation. You first have to admit that there is something to change and be willing to transform. Set the expectation to transform and not just change. Learn, study and understand who you are so that the changes made lead to a true transformation and not an exterior veneer of hope and desperation.
We often set out to change because of someone else and then realize that the transformation is really for us, a personal decision that leads to the manifestation of individual growth.
|
